-Specs
-Godiva milk chocolate and caramel liqueur
-Michaels White Chocolate Irish Cream
-cashier trying to announce that it’s my birthday over the loudspeaker
-Post office
– finally sending off big scholarship
– finally sending off $400 camera/printer rebate
-Austin Ice Cream Festival
-out of ice cream sandwiches/Italian ice
-birthday cake ice cream from Austin Scoops
-intense ice cream eating contest
-snocone!
-Dinner at Buenos Aires
-nasty wine
-Argentinian beer
-empanada/gnocchi
-Tyler
-KP + Chreees
-Sugar Mama’s vegan lemon raspberry cake with a chocolate camera
-Beauty Bar
-Ester’s Follies, whiskey sour
-No petes dueling piano bar b/c of cover
-tshirt and mystery shot at Aquarium
-sips of lonestar, gin and tonic, ??? at Creekside
-Princess Leia
-shifty eyes
-Godiva Caramel Milk Chocolate liqueur + peppermint schnapps + vanilla ice cream + soy milk = awesome milkshake

And I got the shipping confirmation email today so it WILL get here before I leave on Sunday!

2:08 a.m.

“Before you can be with anyone, you need to love yourself. Work on your self esteem and self confidence. Never depend on anyone to make you happy. At the end of the day, you’re all you’ve got.

Respect yourself. Love yourself. Know your self worth.”

Amazing words. Reminds me of something I once read…no matter who you are, you are loved by someone. That applies to everyone. So to those who feel they are not pretty, interesting, talented or whatever enough to be loved, remember you are who you are and someone (if not many others) loves you.

1:18 a.m.

2:13 a.m.

For the past couple hours I’ve been distracting myself by staring at photo website builders/templates and trying to grasp any concept of PHP or MySQL. No avail. While one part of me totally does want to dedicate a whole day (or hours over several days) camping out at a coffeeshop chugging ca phe sua da and learn these web skills/make my own website, the other part wants to give up and simply pay someone to do it, since my skills are not up to par, and I am easily confused when it comes to learning new things. Tinaphanphotography.com still says “winter 2009: currently undergoing renovations.” It’s almost June…yikes. Decisions.

I use the word “distracting” for I truly am trying my best to draw my attention away from bigger, more important things that need to be addressed. Last night I cried for a good hour at 4am over what seems like nothing at all. I’m 20 years old and I still haven’t quite understood this idea of “letting go.”

“The past is the past.”

“Just move on.”

“Forget it.”

You people make it sound so unbelievably easy. I don’t get how it seems that effortless for others. I overanalyze and overthink every little detail of anything and everything. I don’t know why, but I just do. I always care so much. Perhaps I’m just sensitive? Also, for me at least, memories simply ‘pop up’ out of nowhere. How do you deal with that?

“Your memory is a monster; you forget – it doesn’t. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you – and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!” -A Prayer For Owen Meany by John Irving

It terrifies me to think that I can’t stop overanalyzing. Sure I have had a few not so nice individuals come across my path in life, but why does it bother me so much to the point that it hinders my ability to form friendships and relationships due to fear and trust issues? I’m scared and I’m shy and I absolutely hate it.

A couple weeks ago I was suggested to go on anti-anxiety meds and now I am seriously considering it.

I feel like I’m going through another philosophical phase much similar to the one I went through during sophomore/junior year of high school. I’m thinking in circles.

I am currently at home in Sugar Land/Houston. I drove back earlier today. This is the first time I’ve been back here since I left after winter break in January. My parents are growing old and seemingly bored. Certainly I’ve missed mom’s homecooking and ate plenty of spring rolls today. I haven’t made any plans to visit Houston friends yet.

Insecurities are on my noggin 24/7. I will try to listen to happy pop-punk and forget. Goodnight.

4:29 a.m.

Friday 5/8 + Saturday 5/9
Shot all the footage for my video class project. Recycling tour, plus interview. Drove to SM when I realized that the newest Macbooks do not have firewire ports and the firewire/usb converter wire I bought did not work. All nighter Friday night/Saturday morning…30hrs on no sleep. Finished around 8am Saturday. Camped out in the newspaper building (thanks to the kind EIC!) which was freaky because I’ve never been in there that late at night or alone (apparently the cops love to rattle the doors every few hours throughout the night just to make sure they’re locked…CREEPY!) Drove to Wimberly on a whim with Eric cause we were both finished with our projects and had time to kill. Glass factory, bank/atm search, Wimberly pies, philosophical discussions about life. Brought back pies for the class during critique/final project viewing. Did not really like my project but in the end got an 85 on it and an A in the class. My professor is letting me borrow a GL2 video camera so I can practice with video more on my own during the summer, hooray!

Sunday 5/10
Groggy. Drawing, drawing, drawing. I think my body says “eff you” in response to consecutive all nighters.

Monday 5/11
Finished most of my stuff for 2D. Bleh stats final = I’m already planning to retake it in summer session II.
__________________

Currently been feeling sick since Saturday. The head aches and body aches have gone away but the stomach aches remain…that and the pooping like there’s no tomorrow. Feeling slightly better than before though.

Summer is here and I was kinda excited. Then I realized that I’m not getting anything from FAFSA next school year with ruined my plans for a new camera, and that the cruise has been postponed due to swine flu.

Still in Austin, haven’t had the energy to clean or pack to go back home.

I’m just now streaming/listening to MO’s new album for the first time…gosh I love Manchester Orchestra. Thinking about seeing them at the end of the month.

4:51 p.m.

2:51 a.m.

“Wow…that damn dirty fucking scumbag shitty bastard! Fuck him. You don’t need that guy.”

My buddies know how to make me feel better.

————————————————–

Currently in Trinity, editing in Final Cut and praying that I can make something work out of this footage.

-possibly borrowing a Canon GL2 from the school over parts of the summer to gain more video experience by making a bunch of mini documentaries
-possibly Las Vegas for the NPPA & Women in Photojournalism conferences
-Cayman Islands, Jamaica, and Cozumel
-if no cruise, press pass to Warped Tour Texas dates
-Music Saves Lives/Red Cross volunteer
-remake my website and portfolio…for real!

- photographer/videographer for University Star
- videographer for Bobcat Update
- Photography Club Vice President
- National Press Photographers Association TxState chapter President

Occasionally when I feel sad/like a loser/failure, I like to list out all the reasons why I think I’m the shit to make myself feel better… I can’t be the only one who does this, right?

7:43 a.m.